Wholly Yours

2006-03-05T17:34:00.000-08:00

Most pictures are worth a thousand words but this one is worth ten thousand. Let me explain: I am coming off one of the best weekends of my life, and this picture barely scrapes the surface:

1. the visit from two of my best friends one of which i hadn't seen since january
2. quality time with my favorite boy and best friend
3. rediscovering Clemson as a tour guide
4. catching up over Moe's
5. Johnny Cash celebration via Walk the Line
6. dressing up
7. 45 minute photo shoot... sorry boys
8. dancing the night away
9. discovering that i can actually dance
10. taking my favorite picture of my life
in case anyone is confused, yes, i am referring to the above picture. we FINALLY took a good picture! and i am completely obsessed with it. i LOVE this boy :)

2006-03-03T07:21:00.000-08:00

it was brought to my attention recently that i am a really weird person. i have always known that i am a bit strange or, as i prefer to call it, unique, but i never understood my full weirdness until yesterday. i don't want anyone to think that I believe my weirdness to be a bad thing because honestly it makes me who i am. without it i would be blah. it makes me take myself much less seriously, but i really am one weird kid...

i am terrified of getting locked in places therefore i cannot ride elevators by myself or use port-a-pottys or bathrooms on airplanes. however i have been known to ride in a glass elevator by myself once or twice.
if i am forced to use a one-person bathroom (which i also don't like) i always plan some sort of escape route or think of where i might sleep if forced to stay there until someone rescues me
i am completely terrified of spiders or anything that might remotely resemble spiders. if i even think about them while i'm eating i have to stop eating.
i hate heights. i have been known to cry if forced to do something that involves being high above the ground. this means that i don't like hotels that look down on the lobby. it makes me nervious.
i don't like to fly. i will do it, but i don't like it very much.
i don't like ice cream.
if i am sleeping at home, i have to have my ceiling fan on no matter what.
i go through food obsessions where i get addicted to one kind of food for like a month and eat it constantly and then one day for no apparent reason i hate it and can't eat it anymore or even smell it which is why i can't eat tuna, various sorts of lunch meat, or salad.
i am not scared of scary movies that involve things that could actually happen, but i am terrified of things that could never happen. also, if i movie does scare me i have to sleep with someone to be able to sleep at night.
i will not drink pepsi. if that is the only thing offered at a restaurant i will order water.
i don't understand slapstick humor. i don't think it's funny.

looking at this list, i really wonder how anyone ever puts up with me. i guess i'm just an acquired taste :)

2006-02-19T20:26:00.000-08:00

i don't even want to talk about how long it's been since i've updated this thing. i am more than aware that it's been almost three months so i won't even try to sum up everything that has happened in that amount of time. let's just start with highlights from this past week and call it even...
- best valentine's day ever... ok i'm sorry but i have to elaborate on this. if you are prone to nausea due to mushiness just skip over this. i have the best boyfriend ever. i know that every girl thinks that about her boyfriend but i really think mine would win in the contest. he completely and totally surprised me and drove up to clemson just to spend a few hours with me. he even hung out by himself when i had to go class. ladies, it doesn't get much better.
- three tests in one week... lots of quality time with the library
- life lesson # infinity: always take online tests with smart people
- chris tomlin concert in athens
- quick chat with ashley and david... one that needs to be repeated but for more than 5 minutes
- IHOP at 11:30
- so little sleep, so much to do
- TGIF in such a big way
- fun with my dear caroline
- anniversary celebrations
- can i live at the aquarium?
- long talks and late nites
- sleepin' late
- orange juice spills
- family lunch
- best nap ever

overall, it was a good week although at parts i thought i might die: no one should ever have three tests in one week. i know this post was kinda blah but i had to start back sometime or i would have never done it. i promise the next will be better. stay tuned....

2005-12-12T10:48:00.000-08:00

all of this talk about community (if you have no idea what i'm talking about read anna and josh's blogs) has been like WD-40 to the rusty wheels in my soul. whether it was mentioned, deeply discussed or simply implied, it has made me think. ponder even. it has made me ask hard questions and truly search for the answers. it has caused me to experience every human emotion: sadness, excitement, anger, disappointment, frustration, joy, hope, contentment, etc. it has stirred my soul. it has made me come alive again. now i can most definitely say that the wheels in my soul are spinning like never before. i am more exicted and hopeful then i have been in a long time. it is good to know that i am not alone. that other people are confused and frustrated. i am liberated by their existence. the future holds promise. it is full of hope. it is good.

i experienced true community this weekend and i have to agree that it was my own worship service to the Lord. i had forgotten what that felt like. to worship God just by being with friends. laughing at silly jokes. it was so freeing. now that i have tasted it again i cannot go back to how i was. how i used to be. how i lived life. God never intended life to be mechanical. routine. devoid of community. it is supposed to be so much more than that. i am part of the story and my life should reflect that. for once it did this weekend and i cannot go back.

highlights from the weekend. hopefully you will be able to see the worship behind it. christmas ornaments. baby pictures. senior banquet memories. athens with ashley. moving ashley's car. car rides with my best friends. overwhelming excitement about the future. much needed God talks. adam courntey (enough said). i think if i run at top speed i can get there in 25 seconds. eating as much food as humanly possible in 5 minutes. chris as the nutcracker. near death by fog machine. male ballerinas. finishing dinner at intermission. unitard: insult or leotard. hair-attacking immune systems. anna should write a book. lack of sleep: too excited. conversations at moe's with my favorite boy ever. i should never try to explain josh's ideas. the kelly dance revival. matty and beth's son. david's solo. ping pong. cookie cake. jake can't take pictures either. wendy's closed. moe's again. burritos in my purse. family force 5. no more dancing. numb toes. no more worries. surprise breakfast.

do you see the worship? i do. God does. i cannot go back.

2005-12-08T17:17:00.000-08:00

somehow this explains our entire relationship :)

2005-11-28T12:07:00.000-08:00

someone please explain the idea of school to me. i mean you study for hours and hours and for what... to do well on a test to hopefully do well in a class so you can hopefully have a good GPA so that hopefully when you graduate college you can get a good, well-paying job. that's all fine and dandy but it just seems like a whole lot of work with a lack of guarantees. just becuase you have a 4.0 in college doesn't necessarily mean that you'll have an awesome job or better yet be satisified in life which i think we can all agree is the main goal in life. it doesn't mean that you'll be fufilling God's plans for your life and it certainly doesn't mean that you'll feel as though your life has purpose. i am not meant to sit in a cubicle on the 51st floor of some office in corporate america typing the same thing day after day. that is not for me. that is not what i am menat to do and yet everything i am doing right now seems to be leading me to that point. if i'm doing all of this just to get to that point, i might as well stop while i'm ahead. it seems to me that i'd be happiest if i quit school, sold all of my possessions and moved to africa to sleep under the stars, tell little children about Jesus, live in a house made of mud, and milk cows. that's what i want. i know that i'm probably totally romanticizing that idea but right now it's all i want to do and thought of locking myself in the library to study for hours on end for exams, which right now seem pointless and trite, is enough to make me scream. thankfully it is christmas time which never fails to put a smile on my face. now for something a little less heavy and a little more hopeful...

thanksgiving reflections...
- Clemson v. USC... we win again :)
- home sweet home
- Harry Potter
- ashley brannen reunion... my favorite kind
- dinner with the browns... i love y'all
- visiting the campout of josh and friends outside of best buy in the freezing rain
- fireside discussions with josh, anna, and company... such clarity
- chris's birthday
- cinderella cards
- visiting with family
- sweet potatoes!!!
- arrival of wedding pictures
- laughing too much
- christmas music
- home movie memories
- first fire of the year
- late night talks
- sleeping in
- going to crosspointe
- falling over tvs

of course thanksgiving was fun. it was so good to see everyone. i miss home so much when i'm away. as usual it came to a close much too quickly. thankfully christmas break is only 3 weeks away... if i can make it till then. merry christmas.

2005-11-17T14:03:00.000-08:00

drought (n):
1 : a period of dryness especially when prolonged that causes extensive damage to crops or prevents their successful growth
2 : a prolonged or chronic shortage or lack of something expected or desired

above is the webster's dictionary defintion of the word "drought" and at the moment it could not be more applicable to my life. since about september, i have benn experiencing a drought in my relationship with God. it varies in it's severity and sometimes i'm not conscious of it and for a few moments i thought i had escaped it, but alas it still hovers in the darkness. for a while i didn't feel it's effects. i still prayed and read my Bible like i used to and i continued to seek the Lord with all of my being, but slowly my heart and soul changed... so slowly in fact that i didn't even realize it had happened. it was a slow metamorphosis that started with thoughts like "well, it won't really matter if i miss one day in my quiet time" and ended with " i don't even know what to say to God anymore." when that last statement ran through my mind, i felt like someone has punched me in the gut. i didn't even realize that i really felt like that. i didn't know that my heart had changed that much. all i could think was " how did this happen?" how did i go from wanting to sell all of my possessions and move to africa to not even wanting to talk to God? coming across the defintion of drought has brought more clarity to this situation than anything else that i have heard or read. i had an epiphany... just like corn cannot expect to live without rain, i cannot expect to live without God. that seems so obvious but i had forgotten. sure, the first day that i forgot to pray didn't kill me; in fact it didn't really do any damage at all just like corn can survive for a few days without rain and remain healthy, but the 14th day without rain and it is dead just like me. thankfully this all came to me before it was too late before "extensive damage had been done to the crops." i've come back to being alive. just take my advice... when it is the hardest to pray, when you don't feel like you're accomplishing anything by reading the Bible that's when you need to spend more time on your face completely stretched out before God. do not let yourself stray from His side. cling to Him and when you feel like nothing is working, pray some more. do not be like me. do not wait until it has been 2 weeks since you've talked to Him to have this revalation. i'm not saying it's easy to do... i know first hand that it's not, but push throught the agony and the exhaustion and the lack of results and do it anyway!
by the by... i am reading the most incredible book right now. if you are a girl, drop whatever you are doing and go buy this book. it's called captivating by: stasi and john eldredge. it will change your life!

2005-11-03T13:28:00.000-08:00

so much to say and so little time. here are some highlights from the past week or so...
- bonfire... fun hanging out with the KD sisters
- starting the hour and a half drive home at 2 am... it seemed like a good idea at the time
- another beautiful wedding :)
- being asked when i was getting married... hmm scary
- an overdue catch-up with my kindred spirit
- a wonderful sunday at cp
- mom's chili... yum!
- enjoying a car at school even though it's temporary
- KD initiation... yay!
- fake engagements
- last minute david crowder tickets
- the best concert of my life... no exaggeration!
- praising Jesus with the people i love most in the world... it doesn't get any better than that folks
- driving to and from athens without getting lost... yay me
- hanging out with my married and high school friends
- the debate over how to sit on someone's lap courtesy of the Browns
- having a mini pre- and post- david crowder concert with myself
- much needed girl talk with my bestest best friend
- only getting 3 1/2 hours of sleep... totally worth it
- surprise visits back home
- amazing talks on porch swings
- trying to imagine life on a budget... i can't drink tap water :)
- learning important life lessons the hard way such as never drive long distances when you barely slept the night before... but again totally worth it
- 3 days later... still on a david crowder high

my tribute to the mastercard commercials:
cookie dough and a kit-kat bar... $8
concert ticket... $20
gas... $52
driving 7 hours in 2 days just to be with people you love... priceless

Closing Reflections:
i just have to say that the david crowder concert was absolutely amazing. i mean... wow! there are really no words to even begin to describe how truly amazing it was. i do remember though at one point i just looked around and i thought to myself... this is the most incredible worship service i've ever been a part of because (a) hello... it's david crowder, (b) i am experiencing this with all of my best friends, and (c) this is only flawed worship because we are still on earth so how much more amazing must worship be in heaven when it's perfect and unending... wow unfathomable! just think about that for a minute. think about the best worship you've ever experienced. the one where you thought it can't get any better than this. worship in heaven is going to be infinitely better... get excited!

2005-10-25T23:18:00.000-07:00

Whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything. James 1:2-4

i actually stole this from beth's blog. i looked it up in my Bible but i like this translation a lot more. How amazing is it that the Lord can bring me encouragement through any medium... even the internet! our God is so awesome... may i never, ever forget that!

2005-10-24T01:23:00.000-07:00

this weekend has been one of elation and of utter despair. i cracked and came home from school mostly to try and clear my mind from the chaos and confusion that has taken over. it amazes me that only 2 months ago my life made complete and total sense. it seems like such a distant memory from where i am today. coming to college has taught me four important facts: (1) i will NEVER live more than an hour and a half away from my family and friends. (2) crosspointe is my favorite place on this planet and has changed my life more that i ever realized. (3) i am not mature enough to make adult-like decisions such as what i want to do with my life. (4) there will be times when God seems far away when you need Him to be the closest and these are the times that will challenge your faith, cause your soul actual physical agony, cloud your heart with doubt and discouragment, and teach you the most about yourself and your reliance on the Lord. i am definitely in the midst of #4. i am so frustrated! here i am trying to follow God's plans for life and He won't tell me what to do. He won't give me a single step in the plan. i already feel alone with everyone i love most in this world at least an hour and a half away and now it feels as though God has left me too. my head knows that the Lord is always there but my heart feels abandoned and hurt. why would the Lord choose to remain silent now... of all times... when i need his guidance the most? in the past two months my life has changed more than it ever has in my entire life and He choses NOW to pull away from me. i mean HELLO... does that make sense to anyone? i have so many doubts about everything in my life. literally everything. nothing is excluded. NOTHING. i have no idea what to do anymore. actually i have no idea where to even start. i am stuck in limbo... waiting for the Lord to speak and being miserable in the mean time. don't get me wrong... i LOVE the Lord with all of my being and i know that there is a reason why i need to go through all of this but right now i can't even begin to see it. all i can see is the hurt, the anguish, the confusion that has all but engulfed me. i am barely staying afloat to even pray for God's guidance and the fact that i am far away from anyone that i would trust to give me advice and uplift me during all of this only adds to the stress and frustration that this particular time is causing me. so for anyone who is reading this... whether you are my closest friend or someone who just happened to stumble upon this... please pray for me. beg the Lord to reveal His plans for my life so that i can follow them which is all i want. (side note: a million thank yous to matt piland who gave me the best advice that i have recieved in a long, long time which just re-enforces newly learned fact #2. )

but just so y'all don't think that i am never happy anymore here are a few things that ranged from making me smile to almost making me wet my pants this weekend...
- trips to greenville... the closest resemblance to civilization at a reasonable distance from Clemson
- getting dressed up and then only eating a a pizza palor
- carrie realizing that rhode island isn't really an island
- allison exclaiming that she killed ryan spurrier... only on HALO
- clemson beating temple
- dinner at chili's with my oh-so-wonderful boyfriend... even though we never got our chips
- cold (or at least colder) weather
- new clothes
- pumpkin spice latte... yum!
- sleeping in my own bed
- hearing "beautiful one"
- vinnie... enough said
- lunch at johnny carino's
- chris's sister asking him to return her make-up
- seeing ashley... again enough said
- beth telling ashley and me that we would always have a place in the student ministry
- david's premiere in the crosspointe band (AKA emergency lane)
- matt's advice which brought the first glimpse of clarity in my life (yes... it made me cry but it will eventually make me smile)
- conversations on the car ride back to clemson
- imagining chris's life had he decided to date his first love at crosspointe :)
- future bible studies !!!
- feeling even if only for a moment that life will be ok

i promise that i am not completely miserable just mostly frustrated and confused. i know with all of my being that the Lord is faithful and that all of this suffering is only for the my own good and will bring about things that i could have never imagined. still it's hard and i thank everyone whose prayers i know are with me. y'all mean the world to me and i don't know what i would do without your constant guidance and encouragement. a special thank you to the crosspointe youth ministry which showed me how truly amazing our God is and got me into this situation in the first place. i wouldn't change a thing! i love all of y'all. you amaze me :)

2005-10-18T12:16:00.000-07:00

well... over the past year or so i have become slightly addicted to anna and josh's blogs. so much so in fact that i could not resist starting my own. for those of you who are also anna/josh blog addicts i cannot promise that mine will even compare to theirs. in fact, i am sure that mine will be dull in comparison. i am only doing this to remember what has transpired in my life and to try and share some of the joy that i feel with the rest of the world. so enjoy!

this past weekend i went to the brown-cook extravaganza and i cannot even express to you how absolutely amazing it was. these two people have influenced me in so many ways and have shaped me into the person that i am today. i was blown away by their love for each other and for their friends and family. i have never been to a wedding where the focus was not on the bride and groom but on the people who got them there and mostly importantly the God who supports them. attending their wedding was a worship service in itself and i am a better person for being a part of it. i learned this past saturday what true love is. it is not the mushy romance scenes that you see on tv or even the profession of the 3 little words. no... it is much deeper than that. it is God's gift. it is His glory and majesty working through you. it is His perfection and majesty bringing you together through His love, not your own. i should have realized before then that without God you have no love and that as always love is part of God's amazing plan to show His unmatched glory to the rest of the world. even marriage is not about us... it is about Him and no marriage between two people has ever exemplified that fact better to me than the newly-formed Mr. and Mrs. Brown. congrats! i love you both!

so much happened this weekend. even the time with my best friends was a worship service simply because i have never been more thankful for them. God has truly blessed me with them and they are the greatest people ion on this earth. they make me laugh harder than anyone else and inspire me to be a better person. those two days on jekyll island refuled my soul for so many reasons...
- cramming 5 people into a small car for almost 8 hours
- discovering Family Force 5 and singing it at the top of my lungs
- being with my best friends after not seeing them for a month
- dancing like a crazy person on the beach with ashley and stephanie
- listening to adam play his guitar
- watching chris attempt to play left-handed guitar
- long walks on the beach at night
- realizing that i would be perfectly happy living on that beach for the rest of my life
- trying to curl 3 girl's hairs
- girl talk
- wrong turns
- understanding the miracle that love is
- celebrating the marriage of two of my best friends and mentors
- riding in the car with the windows down and david crowder blaring
- feeling perfectly content for the first time in months
- realizing that i have the greatest boyfriend ever
- being covered in bug bites and not caring at all because it was totally worth it
... and so many more that i am sure that i left out but y'all get the gist. i love my friends and family and i thank God for them everyday. y'all know who you are. thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything that you do for me.